. but it gets me out of my room and gives me things to look at and think about other than hating myself. Its still manipulation. I have always had trouble wrapping my mind around the idea of not wanting to be comfortable. Like. He wasnt quite as patronizing, but he did have a tendency to give me the same advice over and over. I can love him, help him in the ways he asks to be helped, but not drown alongside him. I can't believe it. Its ok to say hey, just keeping my head above water is all Im capable of at the moment, no challenges for me right now.. I mean, its not like the fucking JerkBrain wasnt already screaming at me about what a pathetic, useless fuckup I was, so having a physical JerkBrain Enforcement Squad really helped me!!!! Which in turn meant that every time he took me to a surprise, he could justify it by saying that I always had fun so I just needed to trust him. 5. Do not wait until the stress of dealing with him makes your fingers itch for a sharp object (or whatever). Ugh, logick-y dudes who want to tell you how to run your life. They write because stuff is horrible and awful and they cant work out how to fix it (without breaking up). The first few times you resist his help, I think he is going to release the Logick Kraken, who will logically and patiently recount all of the ways that you could be better if you only tried harder. Best of luck and all my thoughts. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people .Not both of you. Reasonable. Accepting you means accepting that. Heres some signs your relationship is over in all but name and Facebook status: It may seem like a good thing if you and your man never fight, but take it from a dude I never want to be wrong. He no longer asks you about what happened during the day, if you had plans with friends or family, or anything of the sort. My boyfriend is having problems with his family and some others issues. Set the boundary with your boyfriend, let him say whatever he's going to say, and try not to internalize any of it. Im so much happier now and I experience so much less strain in my inner life with striving to justify every little feeling and decision. Bravo! Yes, exactly. Neither he or my Dad told me about their doubts until I was well established and was making money, by which time their initial suspicions were funny stories, not immensely damaging and potentially hindering my progress. Things like making tea or coffee and bringing it to her with her meds and water. This is emotionally manipulative behavior. Sometimes someone elses misery is beyond what you (you in general, not you in particular) can affect. Hey, when I say, I did X! and you say, Great! Hit the gym. These are some of the reasons guys stop putting in an effort. Whenever hes away, I tend to either eat that or GF pizza (pizza is another of those things) in fact, I might go out and get myself GF pizza for dinner tonight. Your partner becomes angry not in response to specific things that they observe, but by broad elements that they infer. She can call a plumber or locksmith. For those of us with less than optimal upbringings theres this stinger waiting for us as adults. Because he loves you and wants to see you shine for your own sake? 2) said, Im going to [the gym, for a run, to walk the dog, to a coffee shop to get out of the apartment for a bit], want to come? And the accepted my yes or no WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. And exercise does help me it does! How does this affect you will work on a reasonable person. He has completely stopped doing anything and we don't ever go out and if we do, he has to be forced basically. He'd make you feel special by giving you his undivided attention during these conversations. Therefore it can never be a cure or anything more than an occasional thing. He means well is one of those phrases that is just full of NOPE. One way to equalize a relationship like this while still showing care for your partners mental health is to maybe suggest fun things to do TOGETHER. WELL I WONDER WHAT YOU WOULD DO AFTER 20 YEARS MARRIED TO SOMEONE YOUD PROBABLY JUST BLITHELY DUMP HIM THEN TOO. When you were sick, it was probably easy for him to get you to do what he wanted. He cooks and I cook but we never leave the house. My therapist suggested that I start taking more autonomy over my choices around this, and to stop looking to you for input about every little thing. 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, LLC. like being unable to control yourself is something to be proud of. I find that the occasional session of length swimming makes me feel mentally great for a while afterwards, but I will also be exhausted for the rest of the day and not be able to get anything done, and usually experience a mood crash too. Your boyfriend is NOT being supportive, kind, or reasonable. But when you mention that you wish your partner would eat healthier to be healthier, that's OK. A person who wants the best for you will listen to you when you share that with them, and will change their behavior accordingly. Cosigned. I dont think all relationships that arent in it for better or for worse and in sickness or in health are bad, but I do think that makes it a more casual relationship and one you shouldnt rely on. There are the ones who will, when lovingly-but-firmly redirected, go and renovate the bathroom instead, and then there are the ones who wont. He graciously said that hed wait for me to get better, which somehow included losing weight, even though I never said anything about that, but continued to be, well, him, which was a self centered twit who wanted a wife, and not actually *me*. Nine times out of ten, a person who self-describes as logical or rational ironically does not understand this, and a much better self-description would be someone so egotistical that I think my subjective preferences should be treated as laws of the universe especially by my girlfriend.. Anonymous: Anonymous wrote:Asexual people are asexual- they don't want sex even when the relationship is new and exciting. And I know it takes me less effort to make myself presentable for people coming over to visit me, than it does to get out of the house. And he could never admit that it was all about him. But that doesnt sound like whats happening here. I agree with all of the above regarding logic. He is like the fucking human incarnation of depression. Its inexcusable in any of those forms!!! He asked why I was doing that and I said: Im afraid youll feel not depressed and Ill miss it! He startled me by laughing and assured me that when he wasnt feeling depressed that Id know it. Sometimes a guy will stop making an effort because he feels insecure or dealing with issues in his personal, work, or family life. (From knowing my mother I now if shed had any reservations she would have allowed herself to tell me about them as many times as she could. I certainly noticed the drop in my fitness when I moved cities to a place where I could no longer walk to work every day. No amount of broccoli is going to make you a better or worse person, and they are not giving out Perfect Most Understanding Trying Hardest Enough Girlfriend awards (and even if they were, itd be a shitty reward, like a 10% off coupon to some restaurant you dont want to go to anyhow, and not a spaceship like we were promised). It says hes putting himself and his comfort ahead of your joint comfort together, and also your personal comfort and enjoyment of your own life. A Kalgoorlie-Boulder woman has been fined for trying to stop police from chasing her boyfriend who had committed an office while out drinking by standing at the entrance of an alleyway he was using to run away. If you are an academic assigning my posts in your courses, Id appreciate an email with a copy of the relevant syllabus/assignment for my records/CV. What places in the city do you love going to most? They are not feelings police tools. It was easier for him to say eat soup, no not that soup, get more cardio than say I was really scared when you got so depressed you couldnt get out of bed. LW, I struggle with the things you struggle with. If a guy doesnt offer to pay, he doesnt care about impressing you. I feel like you are in some way owning your low moods and that makes me glad. I feel so much better and so much stronger. He never seemed to understand that these personality traits conflictedor at least, they conflicted in me, for us. I was your boyfriend (not literally but, you know, in the way he acts) with my ex-wife. Love is out there girls, just make sure you are attentive and smart when it comes to a long distance roller coaster ride. Am I the only one who says nope the fuck out of there yesterday? I found it odd at first that my marriage broke up after I got to feeling better through therapy (by my measure and my therapists.) So, my friends often come over here. LW, if his advice and criticisms increase as you gain self esteem and do better, he may have real self esteem and control issues of his own. etc.). This is poor form, and Boyfriend really needs to wake up and smell the coffee that THINGS ARE MORE OKAY NOW, BACK THE FUCK OFF, YOURE NOT NEEDED. If Im down in the dumps, a few minutes skipping rope can make me feel better as can a cup of ginger tea instead of reaching for a soda BUT these are temporary fixes and no substitute for dealing with the real issues. If LWs partner isnt interested in learning and compromising, then it seems to me it will be hard to continue with a healthy relationship. I wish our society did not have such a negative view of women who have low moods. But the way he goes about it is you need to exercise today. Does he want you not to be depressed because it would be a good thing for your mental health and stability or does he want A Girlfriend Who Doesnt Act Depressed All The Time because that would be more comfortable for him? The Logick Kraken might make a lot of sense to you, at first. If you give him space, make yourself busy and happy. It would gross me out to have someone trying to act like a parent. Yeah, the LWs boyfriends words sound like the very worst of my jerkbrains words. 15 Signs He Has Stopped Making an Effort If you are experiencing some or all of the following signs, it could be that your boyfriend has stopped making an effort: 1. If so, disregard my next piece of advice because OMNIPOTENT BOYFRIEND THE ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES) SO they clearly cant actually know whats best for you. No one wants to treat someone they love that way, it just slips out when you stop viewing them in that light. They hope wise Internet people will have a magic solution to restore their relationship to what they hoped it would be in the beginning. I wasnt being adventurous enoughby knowing for myself what I wanted to drink. Maybe your boyfriend can learn different ways of responding to you and learn how to respect your stated wishes without requiring to justify them. Let him know youre concerned and explain why. Similarly, she may love him and think he is perfect, if he only didnt do XYZ. He can then act like he is doing you a favor by being with you. If a relationship is making you unhappy, you do not have to bend yourself into a pretzel to try and make it work. I was in a controlling relationship (where I had recurrent depression) and it took being away from my partner for 3 months (he left the country to visit family) to feel the intense relief and lift of stress and realize that the main problem was actually him. Its a power and control thing and points to major issues that he needs to work on himself. ), how long would you live like this? Make it clear to your boyfriend that you don't like it when he talks to her. You may not actually want to be friends with her, but civility doesn't hurt. Flee! Absolutely! This boyfriend does not sound like good news to me. Id probably be a lot less functional had he pushed me. In this case, his schedule may actually not allow much free time at all right now. You have a conversation, maybe two, maybe several and nothing seems to be wrong. Remind you when I see its not done? I have friends who spell it shud because they think its a four-letter word. In high school, I was shy, introverted, and had low self confidence and poor social skills due to a history of being bullied in junior high and middle grade. If you like to cook, it might be really awesome if you two discuss the idea of having friends over for dinner a bit more often. Not immediately or perfectly, but noticeably and more over time. They are not your child who needs to be emotionally spanked. They are not partner micro-managing tools. Hide the chips? He wanted to call the shots. There are certainly some grave warning signs here the passive aggression being one of them; its so easy to let someone know how little you mean to them by ignoring them in the day to day, withdrawing affection and communication. Do you know whether his goals match up with your goals? When I left my abusive family? LW, I just wanted to applaud and celebrate a part of the Captains advice: I think your depression might be getting betterYou already did the self-caring thing that you needed to do for yourself, and your instinct isnt to agree with your boyfriend about what you should do, its to stand up for yourself about whats true. If someone has stated that they have a certain goal, I used to be overly helpful. Now I usually do not offer any help unless its someone Im close enough to to reasonable believe they might want me to. . Be good to yourself, LW, and if Boyfriend cant be good to you too, well, then I think the Captain is right about this guy being more invested in himself than you. Good luck LW, and I hope you get to see how much better life can be when someone isnt actively holding back your awesomeness. So you meet this guy. They may backslide occasionally, especially when you have moments when you struggle, but when you say Hey, I got this, they are going to immediately apologize and back off. This was more the province of all the callow youths back in college defending obviously indefensible positions for the sake of argument. He is not playing Logick Master, he is just trying to figure out if things make freakin sense. When I started college, and made other friends, and had a job of my own. A while later we split up, and it was unfun and shitty and also exhilarating and life changing and were both in a better place now. So if your partner was discussing ending the relationship because you were depressed and not in therapy/not taking medication/not engaging in self-care, that would be a reasonable reaction. The ones who wont should be encouraged to date one another whenever possible. Seriously. Boyfriend stopped texting me good morning. I dont know if your boyfriend will ever accept that your moods are part of the package but there will be someone who will. What really helped was finding a partner with previous SI issues who said Do what you need to do to feel better. Boyfriend, I have my therapist for coaching & helping me develop. But you shouldnt have to put up with constant questioning from anyone, especially when theyve been told to back off. Anyway, enough about me. A friend of mine called this sort of explanation, First, the earth cooled, Beware of I am very logical as a cover for I dont think your feelings matter and I dont care if I hurt you.. Except now the LW is in therapy, things are getting better, the LW has a handle on it allbut Boyfriend still hasnt internalized this. Thank you your reading of his intent is, I think, spot-on! Don't jump to any conclusion your mind is playing tricks on you so don't let it. See what happens when you do, how you feel, how he reacts. He used to love calling you his girlfriend, he never missed an opportunity to flaunt you off as if everyone was supposed to know that this time its serious. Setting limits is an excellent skill to acquire. My husband is at his parents place this weekend, and the first thing I did was make two meals worth of GF pasta with homemade red sauce my husband is diabetic, and the GF pasta does a number on his blood sugar, so we very rarely eat it. Can you talk with your therapist about what options are there for you and work with them to make a plan? He used to love visiting your family, friends and all the places you like going to. Clear your mind and take a step back, try not to have any irrational thoughts. Ive been dealing with depression for a while, too. Do you still respect each others autonomy and understand that help is there to be offered and accepted but cant be forced? he told me to give him space but i feel like he is mad with me and ignoring me; My boyfriend and i have been together 6 months and we had a big fight on the weekend. Value to him also includes your offering of feminine energy and responsiveness, your surrender to connection moment by moment (which helps deepen your connection and renew his deep attachment to you). Low self-esteem. Assuming that he doesn 't have a hormone issue, a man who is attracted to a woman will probably want to have sex. Stop trying to control your partner. Work. Cant remember him ever doing this either. Unfortunately, these storytellers dont get it. So far so good. Exercise doesnt always improve my mood sometimes it just provides a distraction/occupation for me so I spend less time ruminating. What your boyfriend is doing -whether he means to or not is *exactly* the issue that you are going to therapy to deal with. What he could and did do that helped me was: 1) shop for food and cook the healthy meals for us himself, and not guilt me when I planned to cook and then. If it was, hed be asking you how he can help you heal, not telling you how to heal for him. After a week or so of adjusting, you can figure out how you feel on your own. I hope Im wrong, but LW, I think your boyfriend would do the exact same thing. Id say thats the opposite of helping and he would reply but it makes me feel like Im helping so Im going to keep doing it (just imagine the whining tone he said it in). I wish you the best of luck and hope that you bear in mind that love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship you can still love someone deeply and make the choice that the relationship isnt healthy for either of you. May 18, 2020 by Emily Cappiello. Another script LW may want to try: How does this affect you? In the examples in the letter, the answer would probably be not at all which should make the boundary more clear. You can also use the online chat. My husband has a hard time with my anxiety and sometimes asks if Ive eaten or what Ive eaten or mentions exercise to help me. I want to make him happy It's not about him, it's about you. He blocks me and ignores me. I hope others have advice too. Because Reasons? Be honest about how you feel. Unfortunately when men give those subtle hints many women don't listen or don't pay attention. Flags! He picked being my boyfriend and shut the hell up when we were in the gym. We spent an hour together crafting a long list of things he could do for me, with me. He may be feeling like he is missing out on his life and it is time to get back into the single life. Your jerkbrain beats you up enough when you have depression. If you decide that its not, then break up with him and move on. You will never be trying hard enough/doing enough, because it is not about you. Also there are lots of little red flag actions that fly beneath the radar because they are for us a normal and acceptable part of life other people are perhaps more likely to spot them and run a mile. I know hes great and all LW, but everything I read about him makes me twitch.. But everything you say about this dudetells me that hes more in love with Potential You than he is with Actual, Right Here You. But I only understood that in theory, I guess, because in practice, I was still trying to second-guess his desires left, right, and center. Pick one.. Eating is a big thing for me and something I skip doing when my brain gets jerky. Nows a good time to reflect on what each one has done throughout their entire relationship. I have been in a relationship for 2 years with a wonderful person who has low moods too. I had already tried eight bazillion types of tea. I dont think that his intent upset or control you but a desire for you to do better born from a internal selfishness that it would make his life better or easier. Part of the reason my boyfriend and I managed to get through it (and got through it with a stronger relationship than I have with my mother) is the lack of picking and nagging. Hell either stop talking, or hell go into a bluster-storm of What did you just say? Its more complicated when mental illness is involved, especially when youre legitimately working on improving yourself everything about yourself (and your relationships) feels like something you can work hard and improve, and if it doesnt happen it feels like a personal failing. Another vote that you are not strange! I suppose you could try announcing that youre going to change him into someone who doesnt do things he has specifically and repeatedly been told to stop doing, in his intimate relationships, even if you have to drag him kicking and screaming into The Land Of Getting Hip, but honestly, that comment above is an infinitely bigger red flag than any number of questions about your broccoli intake. And if its sunny then thats even better because I may have seasonal affective disorder (working on finding out with doctor) and the bright sunlight is just wonderful for my mood. Well, in my case, itd make me feel unsafe and be a total incompatibility. I was somewhat interested, so it was great to have him show me proper form and give me pointerscon how to put together my workout plan. He never lashes out with his anger, he just doesnt talk much when hes mad. You are healing, why shouldnt your home and your relationship be a place you can feel comfortable? Agreed. Thing is, Ive been dealing with depression, anxiety, and etc for a few years now and Im JUST NOW to the point where doing even X is a major accomplishment. A. Self improvement (vs self-care, self-discovery, living life with acceptance) involves believing something is wrong with you B. Yeah, dealing with a partners illness isnt FUN, but as you say yourself its part of the package. But let me tell you a little of my story. And another thing Its generally accepted that self-care is good for self-esteem. (Weirdly, by giving my anger a physical expression, I think it sticks around LONGER than if I had not worked it out.). Get him to chase you instead." That is good friendly advice but there's a little more to it than that. Apologise, and never say that to me again.. And I bet if you looked at that guys life youd find plenty of ways in which he prioritizes his own comfort over a nebulous idea of personal growth, because he sees himself as Just Fine already. 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